OUR MOST COMMON COMMUNICATION MISTAKES

Communication is often difficult for us as human beings. We are the only species that was given the additional gift of verbal communication through language; and yet it still remains one of our biggest challenges.  The following are some observations we’ve made in our many years of counseling.  These are some mistakes we make in our effort to communicate with one another; along with some perspectives to consider when these situations arise.

We Make Assumptions

We often assume we know what other people around us are thinking when we really don’t.  We cannot read someone else’s mind, even if we know them well.  People come from a wide variety of backgrounds, have varied experiences and, as a result, interpret things in very different ways. Even if we use the same word or phrase, it may have a different meaning to someone else based on their individual perspective.  A basic tenet of communication is, “Meanings are in people, not in words”.  A number of years ago, there were comments on social media about a friend of mine.  The comment was, “She is the GOAT”.  I quickly learned that it was an acronym for the “Greatest of All Time”, not a farm animal!  While this is a humorous example, you can see how things can easily be misinterpreted.

Even when we are interacting with our spouse or children, whom we know very well, we have to recognize that all of us are changing every day by the experiences we have and the thoughts we entertain. It would serve us well to keep this in mind.

We Ask “Why” Questions

“Why” questions assume there is a rational reason behind something that has happened and can help us accept or, sometimes, place blame.  One of the worst things we can say to someone who is ill or had an accident is, “Why did this happen?”.  Even valid questions such as, “Why didn’t you tell me?”, can put someone on the defense.  I once worked with a family that agreed they were “experts” on “why” questions.  Their “whys” ranged from, “Why didn’t you take out the trash?” to “Why don’t you love me?”.  They soon realized that their “whys” were substituting for honest, healthy communication.  As a family, they decided to give up saying “why” and, instead, use “I” statements.  For example - “I was very frustrated when I came home and the trash hadn’t been taken out.”  Or, “I am struggling because I don’t feel loved in this relationship”.  Simply communicating your feelings can often be much more effective than asking “why”.

We Use the Words “Should” and “Ought”

“You ought to call your sister”.  “You should get that done before tonight”.  These are ways of speaking from a place of authority or in a parental role.  If you are a supervisor or the parent of a small child, that may be appropriate communication.  But, in speaking with another adult, it implies that you know better than they do.  While the intention may be to help someone by reminding them of a task they already had in mind, it can also be interpreted as bossy or even shaming.  

Another option could be to ask a question - “Did you call your sister today?”  “Can I do anything to help you get that done this evening?”

We Don’t Listen

It’s not uncommon for us to begin formulating a response while someone is speaking to us about a subject.  We may be politely looking at them, but we are not really hearing what they are saying.  We may be just waiting for a pause in the story so we can jump in with the response.  Our misunderstanding and miscommunications in our relationships are often due to a simple lack of listening.  

Listening is a form of respect.  It is, in and of itself, a way of communicating to the other person that they are valuable and that you want to hear all that they have to say.  In important conversations, let the other person know that you want to listen to them.  You can even let them know that you may want to take a minute and think about what they said before you respond.  

Effective communication is imperative in every relationship we have.  It is an important principle to train ourselves to listen in a way we could repeat back what people are saying.  If you focus on that principle, you will be giving others the great gift of listening; which says, “you are important and matter to me.”  Also, do your best to speak to others in the same manner you would like to be spoken to.  

If you would like more information on communication or need help in your efforts to effectively communicate with others, we are here to help.  You can call us at Life Connection Counseling - 918-496-9588  or email us at info@lifeconnectioncounseling.com