Empty Nest and Marriage

What is “Empty Nest”? “Empty Nest Syndrome” is a term that was coined in the 1970s to describe the grief and sometimes depression parents experience when their last child leaves home.

If you are in this stage of life, don’t be surprised if you experience grief, sadness, loneliness, loss of purpose, or other emotions. Adjustment to Empty Nest is a stage of life like getting married or having a child, and like those life changes, we lose something at the same time we gain something. As our children launch, we realize that we will no longer be involved in school events, sports and so many other activities. As our last one left home, I remember thinking, “I’ll never do teachers gifts again, shop for prom dresses, bring snacks for soccer, help with school parties, help with science fair projects (Okay, some of these changes are really great!). But with change, even good change, comes grief.
Marriages can struggle during this time. Often couples have put so much energy into their children, that they haven’t even realized they have drifted apart. Often couples look at each other and think, “Who are you?” They have lost track of each other as people while they were focusing on being parents.
The Empty Nest stage of life is a great time to re-prioritize your marriage, It is a time to become more partner focused. We have the opportunity to go back to the early stages of marriage where it was, “You and me against the world Baby”. Many find this phase of life is even better than early marriage because now we bring more maturity, wisdom and joint experiences that can strengthen our bond.
But it is a process. Some couples find out that they not only don’t know each other, they don’t particularly like each other! With more time on your hands, the cracks in your relationship show up. If you have gone separate directions for years, it will take some adjustment to come back together again.
Marriage at any stage requires intentionality. Your marriage can grow and change in this stage of life if you are willing to put in some effort. Here are a few practical steps that you can take to re-energize your marriage and help move you to an enjoyable Empty Nest marriage.
1. Let this be a time for a new marriage. Dream together. When we were dating or newly married, we dreamed about things we could do together such as travel and adventures. Now is the time for those! Think about how you can take the energy that you have put into raising children and refocus that energy into creating a refreshed, full and positive life and marriage.

2. Find new hobbies or take up old ones. Happy marriages come from happy individuals. Maybe it’s time to play the piano again, or learn how to play. There are art classes, gardening classes, classes to help you learn how to buy stocks, build furniture, go bird watching and so many other things. Take the time now to explore other interests.

3. Take interest in each other’s interests. My husband is a golfer. I’m not, but I like to ride along in the cart with him. I take a good book and look up from time to time, to tell him he is doing a great job! He’s learned to enjoy live theater with me. He never would have chosen it on his own, but he went because I like it. If something is interesting to your partner, it is worth exploring.
4. Allow yourself to grieve, but also celebrate the good changes. We often jokingly ask each other, “How many games do we have this weekend and when are they?" “That’s right we don’t have ANY!” (It’s even sweeter when they are completely independent and you celebrate as each one goes off your car insurance and cell phone plan.)
5. Plan adventures. They can be big trips, or day time getaways to towns around you. Even if you do college weekends to see your kids, take an extra day or two for you as a couple. But don’t just limit time away to college weekends. Find adventures for just the two of you.
6. Cultivate new friendships with other empty nesters. Invite them to dinner or meet for coffee. You have time now for more relationships.
7. Have a consistent date night. Even if you are together every evening, take one night a week and make it a special date night. Date nights have to be planned. If they aren’t, it can end up being like any other night. Make a list of ten dates that you would like to go on with your spouse. Be as detailed as possible. Write down which restaurants you want to go to or what activities you would like to do. As you make the list, don’t worry about whether or not your spouse wants to do them. Alternate who plans the date each week. When it’s your turn to plan, go off your partners list and use this time to treat them to some of their favorite restaurants or activities. It’s fair, because next week you will get to do what you like to do!
8. Get help if needed. We are seeing an increasing number of people coming in for counseling who are empty nesters or newly retired. Many times there are just minor adjustments that can be made to help us have richer and more positive lives.