July 2021

Emotions! We all have them. Some of us express them freely while others of us keep all of our emotions to ourselves or don’t really even know what we are feeling.

Our culture values stoicism. “She was so strong at her husband’s funeral. She didn’t shed a tear.” She may have appeared to be coping really well, but in actuality she was probably in shock.
Our families may have given us some well-intentioned advice such as, “Big girls don’t cry”, “Be a man” or “Suck it up, buttercup!” This implies that showing emotion is not ok.

Many of us were raised in homes where emotions weren’t valued or viewed as important. We unconsciously picked up on the idea that showing emotion implied weakness. Or we learned that there were only a few primary emotions - anger, sadness, happiness and “okay”. While there is a time and place to hold our emotions in; long term it can be harmful to our health and relationships.

The two questions I often hear from many people are - “How do I express my emotions in a healthy way?” and “What am I really feeling?” While this varies by background and personality, some of us have to stop and really think about what we are feeling. As humans, we have a wide variety of emotions. We may feel content, overwhelmed, joyful, intimidated or eager - along with so many other possibilities. But we often don’t have the emotional vocabulary we need to express how we are really feeling. We aren’t taught the language of emotions.

One of the most common emotions we see expressed in our culture is anger. Particularly on social media, people feel free to

express anger. Anger is a very normal emotion, but it is a secondary emotion. The primary emotions, which we are often unaware of (therefore don’t get communicated) may be - feeling hurt, disrespected, unappreciated, mis-portrayed, neglected etc... Anger expressed directly is usually unproductive. People respond to anger with a flight or fight response, and the true feelings of hurt, disrespect, etc. are usually not even heard. Learning to identify primary emotions and how to express them will help enhance communication significantly.

If people close to you frequently ask you what you are thinking or if you are mad at them, you may not be expressing your emotions very well or you may not really know what you are feeling. We can learn to be more in touch with our emotions and learn the language needed in order to express them. But, as with most things, it requires a little effort.

You can find a number of charts online that reference emotions. Find one you like and print it out. Keep it nearby and stop periodically to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?”. This is a good way to begin identifying your emotions; which can lead to more productive communication with those around you.